it all started when i was twenty-one. i welcomed my first big girl job and opened my first big girl bank account. of course, i'd had jobs and bank accounts before, but this time i knew it would be different. and it was. suddenly i found myself anxiously waiting for pay day just so i could see that the balance was growing. when you're a college student and only paying for gas and the occasional mcdonald's value meal, you have a lot of cash to spare. so the money grew quick, my security grew quick and the daydreams of what i could buy with that money grew quick.
fast forward eight years and i'm in exactly the same place, but now i'm an adult and somehow adults accumulate bills. necessities like car payments and student loan payments, luxuries like hot yoga and the occasional dinner at boca (jk, i'm way too poor to go to boca). i'm not saving, i'm just watching money move in and out, week after week. if i had to put an emotion on it, i'd say i felt stuck.
over the course of a few years in my mid-twenties, by observation alone, i picked up an idea that i needed to be worried about security. i also picked up a habit that i needed to check my balance before i would buy anything, from a cup of coffee to a new car. i couldn't figure out why i was so obsessed, so scared of something going wrong, so intent on gaining more. and then it hit me: i thought all of that money was mine.
LOL, RIGHT?
i've known since i was a little girl that everything belongs to God and we are just put in charge of it. i've also known since i was a little girl all about this story: luke 18:18-23. (go ahead and read that. no really, read it. i'll wait while you do.)
when i did a refresher on this about six months ago, i interpreted it quite literally and then pushed it to the furthest corner of my mind because i didn't want to deal with it. i didn't have any money to even think about giving over to God. but i felt nudge after nudge and as my heart changed, my mind changed. i'd been putting it off long enough that i made my first step willingly, not begrudgingly. i asked a close friend for guidance, downloaded an app for my phone that tracks and categorizes my spending every time i swipe my credit card and set concrete giving and saving goals.
at first i was shocked at how much i spend on certain things (like gas and food), but once i got my goals under control the month went smooth enough, with minimal notifications that i was spending too quickly in one category or another. i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and guess what? it never did. panic turned into peace and i made a double car payment, gave more intentionally and happily and saved better than i normally do.
part of being a disciple is figuring out who Jesus would be if He were you. how would Jesus spend my (His) money? i've been praying for clarity when it comes to that and for him to show up when i show up. after six months of breaking this down and rebuilding it in me, i finally got it together and showed up. and He has showed up in more ways than i could begin to explain. He's faithful, you guys. and He really does have better things in store for us than what we are holding on so tightly to.
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